As parents, we often encounter situations where our children seem resistant to listening, which can be both frustrating and perplexing. Recognising the significance of discipline in nurturing respectful and responsible individuals, DPS Warangal is committed to assisting parents in overcoming these hurdles. In this blog, we delve into practical and compassionate approaches for addressing the behaviour of children who won’t heed instructions. By offering guidance and support, we aim to empower parents to navigate these testing moments with assurance and empathy, fostering an environment conducive to the development of well-behaved and considerate children.
Why don’t children listen – understanding reasons behind it?
Before using discipline strategies, it is important to understand why children struggle to listen. Often, kids don’t start acting irrationally without cause. Their actions are rooted in certain emotional, physical or behavioural phases in development, which tends to manifest in the form of unruliness. There are many reasons for this behaviour:
- Attention issues: Children may have difficulty concentrating or paying attention, which prevents them from following instructions properly. As a result, they may act out and demand attention by using means that they understand will get them an adult’s focus.
- Testing boundaries: As children assert their independence and explore boundaries, boundaries may be tested, resulting in defiance or resistance. A classic example of this might be if a child ventures to areas where they have been told not to, or indulging in actions that they have been warned against. Take for example, a child who has been asked to not suck on their thumb –they will often test your boundaries to see if you’re paying attention to their defiance. This is a common tendency among children in ages of 1 to 10 when they’re developing and testing boundaries is how they understand what keeps them safe, and what merits a scolding.
- Emotional regulation: Strong emotions such as frustration, anger, or anxiety can prevent the child from listening and cooperating, making following instructions difficult. If a child is in a new environment, they will typically –before being verbal–express their discomfort through non-verbal cues such as crying, not paying attention, or simply turning uncommunicative. Knowing what triggers their emotional dysregulation is needed to help kids understand what you want from them. This is common for kids who are not very expressive –and can last well into pre-teens; kids who don’t know how to regulate their anger, and frustration often turn to stonewalling to avoid those uncomfortable feelings.
- Communication barriers: Children sometimes misunderstand or misunderstand what is being asked, leading to confusion and reluctance to comply. This could be due to a number of factors –them not absorbing information, a new environment, feeling overwhelmed, or even being tired. The best way to combat this is first ensuring that your child even understands your instructions. Often with younger children it helps to get down to their level, and look them in the eye to explain instructions.
Identifying these underlying factors allows parents to refine disciplinary strategies that address the root causes of their child’s behaviour, and foster and understand a disciplinary climate that is more effective in family dynamics.
What are some effective disciplining strategies for your child?
When dealing with a seemingly helpless child, it is important to handle the situation gently and frankly. Without understanding why your child is turning into an unruly person, it might be difficult to help them make sense of the world around them. Therefore, we encourage you to first investigate. Once that’s done, follow our simple guidelines here:
- Set clear expectations: Set consistent and clear rules and expectations for your child. Clearly define acceptable behaviour and the consequences of non-compliance. For something like not completing homework on time, there could be a loss of TV or laptop privileges. Help him or her see the clear outcome from their actions and the duration of that consequence.
- Use positive reinforcement: When your child listens and cooperates, encourage good behaviour by praising and recognizing their efforts. Positive pressure is a strong motivator for children to maintain the lifestyle they want.
- Offer options: Whenever possible, offer ways to empower and build independence for your child. Instead of forcing them to clean their room, ask if they would like to start by picking up the toys or if they would like to make the bed.
- Reinforce consequences with confidence: Make sure consequences apply when your child disobeys or ignores rules. Identify consequences that fit the behaviour and reinforce it gently but firmly.
- Time management: Children sometimes benefit from a break to calm and rally during an overwhelming or sad experience. Sit calmly with them, taking time off to offer comfort and support until they are ready to discuss the situation.
- Lead by example: Children learn by example, so identify the behaviour you want to see in them. Demonstrate respectful listening and effective communication by practising active listening and remaining calm. This is especially important when your child is having a meltdown or throwing tantrums. Avoid adding fuel to the fire by asking them to regulate themselves, or calm down. Kids often don’t have advanced self-regulatory mechanisms. Therefore, expecting them to verbalise, or rationalise their feelings is not always a good strategy, in the heat of the moment. If possible, let them find a space to vent their frustrations –physically, verbally, without you getting in the way. Once they have calmed down, and presumably you have stayed calm too–this sets the precedent for them to see what staying calm looks like.
- Understand the root cause: Take time to understand why your child behaves a certain way. Is there an underlying issue triggering their actions? Addressing the root cause enables better support for positive changes.
- Maintain emotional connection: Even during discipline, it’s vital to uphold a strong emotional bond with your child. Reassure them of your unconditional love and explain that discipline stems from concern for their well-being. Acknowledge their anger or emotional upheaval that comes with setting boundaries. Tell your child that you understand their feelings and explain if possible why you’re implementing certain actions. Further, if you find that in the heat of the moment isn’t the best time –take special time off to sit and chat with them about their actions. Help her/him see what might be happening from your perspective and how it will affect them, too.
How to deal with resistance from enforcing rules?
It is normal for children –of all ages – to push back against discipline, but maintaining a firm and steady course is key. After all, it’s a core survival strategy to push boundaries, and defy authority. It teaches kids what is safe and dangerous. Here are some ways to deal with resistance.
- Calm down: Let your emotions work and avoid getting into a power struggle. Respond calmly and firmly, without anger or losing your temper. This is very critical as your child needs to see that their behaviour doesn’t rattle you and you’re able to demonstrate how to respond to a situation with calm and composure.
- Be firm: Even in the face of opposition, hold your ground and stick to the established rules and consequences. It is important for your child to understand that you are serious and behaviour will return. This might be tough if disciplining is new to you and your child both –you may be subject to emotional manipulation, grovelling, googly eyes, and much more to avoid getting disciplined. But, here, it’s important to ensure you’re not only enforcing the rules but doing so without any perceived malice or punishment.
- Offer support: Provide your child with the support and guidance he or she needs as he or she learns to manage his or her behaviour as he or she goes through his or her emotions. Let them know you are there to help them make good choices and learn from their mistakes.
- Follow up: Always follow through on consequences –both positive and negative, without delay. If you said certain actions will return, make sure they fill them, regardless of the challenges. Here, you may experience some friction between you and your child in the initial stages of disciplining. You should be prepared to handle this, head on, gently.
- Keep a positive attitude: Be positive and focus on your child’s progress rather than his steps. Celebrate small victories and encourage your child to keep striving for improvement. While it may seem daunting to be tough with your child, in the long run, your strictness and overall desire to direct your child’s attitude in the right direction will pay off.
When to seek support with disciplining your child?
If you are having trouble disciplining a child who refuses to listen, reaching out for help is a wise step. Whether it comes from fellow parents, teachers, or staff, remember that you are not on this journey alone. There are many resources and strategies geared towards helping you deal with this difficult part of parenting.
Parents, especially those who have faced similar struggles, can provide valuable insight and empathy. Connecting with them creates solidarity and reassurance that your experiences are shared and understood. Teachers have extensive knowledge and expertise in dealing with behavioural issues in educational settings. Their input can lead to new ideas and useful strategies tailored to your child’s developmental stage and learning environment.
Seeking guidance from professionals such as pediatricians, child psychologists, or family therapists can provide specialised support tailored to your child’s unique needs. These professionals can provide detailed assessments, counselling inclusive, and evidence-based interventions to address underlying issues that support your child’s behaviour.
It’s worth mentioning that seeking help is not a sign of weakness but evidence of your commitment to your child’s best interests and desire to find effective solutions. When you turn to others for guidance and support, you are taking active steps to create a healthy and nurturing environment for you and your child. Thereby also indicating to your child that you may not always have all the answers and that’s perfectly acceptable, too!
Disciplining a child who refuses to obey can indeed be a taxing and dangerous task, but with patience, regularity and empathy, the importance of proper listening and enforcing the rules can be instilled in them. By setting clear expectations, using positive reinforcement, and maintaining challenging but firm behaviours, parents can establish norms of obedience and solidarity for their children effectively, to foster an atmosphere of respect and accountability.
It is important to realise that discipline is not just punishment; Rather, it is a way to guide children to learning, upbuilding behaviour, and self-control. At DPS Warangal, we understand the challenges parents face in this journey of raising well-behaved children, and we are ready to offer our support and resources to help parents raise happy, healthy individuals and they have discipline.